I have to let you go. I thought I had, and that through supernatural bravery bestowed on me through Gods loving mercy I had survived the ordeal. And I had, through His supernatural loving mercy, but He has also shown me that my grieving is okay. I wore strong armour but now He is asking me to put down my sword and fall back into His arms again, because I have a future that I need to attend to.
A future I have been so afraid of. Fear vistied me at the start of each new year, and I allowed it to instruct me to question what was next out there to attack me. I tried to prepare myself for whatever doom might lay before me. I believed that death somehow reigned, no matter how hard my efforts to fight it. I realize now that Gods ways are eternal, and death gives way to life and not the other way around. LIfe, a beautiful life awaits me, as it does surround me.
I don’t need to sacrifice another dad to be close to God, I need only to rest in His promises and allow His plans for me to take effect in the trust and action of my faith.
Dad, I so loved to care for you. I am sorry daddy, I am so sorry for all that you suffered. And I thank you, for always silently letting me know that you were at peace, and that we weren’t faced with your own fears. I am so grateful to have been there up until your last, and having drawn together the way we all did in celebration of the life you lived. You have left a huge legacy behind dad. Thank you. I am so grateful for you.
I sing rhymes with Abigail now, and that is so special. She asked about you the other day, she wanted to know where you were. With a lump in my throat and a hesitation having to try explain it all to her, my precious two year old, I replied, “With Jesus baby, my dad is with Jesus.” At her aunty Cals house the other day she ran to me and exclaimed excitedly that she had something to show me. Allowing her to take the lead, I found myself at a family photograph – mommy, your FOUR girls, and yourself. She pointed to you and shouted happliy, “that’s your dad, that’s your dad!”
You will always be my dad, even across the distance we now share. I know it’s safe to let go because of that. It doesn’t mean I won’t tell my children about you, I will all the time, and it doesn’t mean I have to say goodbye to the reflection I see of you when I look in the mirror. Never ever dad, will I forget. I am at peace with this now and it is another one of my great appreciations – to see you when I look at myself.
I have a future dad, and it’s looking bright and I feel God telling me to release all my fears, and to step onto the water with Him, to walk on it. I am crazy in love with the life He has given me, the guidance, the love. I no longer believe that I need to hold on to that time in the knowledge that He was there because I realize that He has gone before Me and I now need to follow Him to experience all that He has for me.
Oh the most extraordinary ways He revealed Himself when you were ill – how could I have managed otherwise?
But I became too comfortable dad and I held to that past experience because I knew that He was there. In fear of the future, I took all my dreams and put them in a treasure box, and that’s where I stayed, next to my box, in bittersweet memory of all that was.
And now I am at the place where I am ever so ready to open that box of treasures, to pursue them, to take the hand of God and walk in my dreams towards my purpose.
I understand that God works in seasons and I don’t have to “lose you” all over again in order to gain the intimacy I had with God at that time of my life – I need to embrace this season and enjoy the presence and mysteries of Him and His love.
Ecclesiastes 3 v 11 – The God given task
He has made everything beautiful in its time, He has put eternity in their hearts…..
I am excited now, to see His kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven.
And I also know you will be happy for me dad, as I make my way. I know that you know that I love you with an everlasting love and I know you understand and even more so support that I have a future which I need to attend to.
Thank you dad, for your love. I love you, I miss you, always xoxo